I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. Many nights I’m plagued by an inability to fall asleep after hours of tossing and turning and breathing exercises and getting up to pee and tossing and turning some more. Some nights I fall asleep right away and experience a series of dreams (some nightmares) that are so vivid and overwhelming I wake up more exhausted than I felt before falling asleep.
The night before New Year’s Eve, all of this came to a head. After an emotionally overwhelming day, it felt as though I simply would not sleep that night. My mind would not shut off - I was drowning in fantasies of replaying arguments, living a life outside of lockdown that frankly made me deeply sad to even picture, and worrying about my mother (who is in a nursing home, for those unaware.) When I had absolutely enough of my racing mind, I decided to focus on one thing that I could do in the dark - listen to a podcast. Earlier that week I’d listened to Scroobius Pip’s Distraction Pieces end-of-year episodes with Blindboy, and had saved a few random, recent episodes of The Blindboy Podcast to try. I picked an episode where he was interviewing Hozier and after about half an hour I realized I could barely hear either of them and I was falling asleep. That night I did not dream at all, and woke up feeling less tired than I remember feeling in ages.
Before I go on, I’d just like to make clear - this isn’t a story about how Blindboy’s podcast will put you to sleep or cure your sleep ailment, and it is definitely not a story about the podcast being boring. The episode was wonderful and interesting; it was also calming and easy to focus on. I didn’t find myself worrying about the rest of my life because the topics they were discussing were intriguing and required my full attention. This deep focus helped me to relax until my body was ready to give in to sleep.
Last night I found myself at odds with sleep again and chose another recent episode to focus on. It just so happened this one dealt with mental health and specifically anger. I ended up listening to the entire episode and will probably listen a second time and take notes. It was deeply profound for me to experience someone discussing anger that manifests as rage in a way I could relate to directly, but that also offered things to consider that no one had ever said to me before regarding where my anger is coming from, how it relates to my anxiety and depression, and how it could be acknowledged and re-framed. It absolutely boggled my mind that in all of the discussions I have had over the last 30-something years, the only thing anyone had ever managed to come up with was “you are too angry” and “you should be less angry.” Which, let’s be honest folks - that is just grounds for making an angry person even more angry.
(I’m going to speak very generally here, as I’d much prefer you listen to the podcast and experience Blindboy’s discussion for yourself. The episode is called Fanta Hammer, and it’s from the 25th of November, 2020.)
First of all, we’re not talking about anger that’s healthy (which he also discusses briefly). We’re talking about an all-consuming rage which can be clearly identified by its physical manifestations. Once we’ve clearly identified which kind of anger we’re talking about, we ask what the root of that anger is. At its most basic level, Blindboy suggests that we have hard rules( developed over our lifetime) that are being “broken”, resulting in this raging anger. So, can we reframe these rules, soften them slightly (NOT reverse them) in order to protect OURSELVES from the kind of rage that wreaks havoc on our minds and bodies? It was a fascinating listen and completely eye-opening. It’s truly incredible how a concept, presented in a way or using language that is easily accessible to someone, can be immeasurably helpful.
I experienced a moment of frustration this morning upon waking and reflection that no one had ever explained my rage to me in this way before, even though (as I said) many people have pointed to it as unhealthy and a problem. It made me consider how I often refuse to ask others for help because I have asked them for help before and they have been unable to assist me. The lesson, unfortunately, that I took away from that is that those people cannot EVER help me, which is (of course) not true. Someone who is able to identify my rage and bring it to my attention but cannot help me in developing management and coping skills for it is not an unhelpful person. They might be world-class bakers with advice for recipes and techniques in the kitchen. They may have experience with exercise-related injuries or ailments and have lots of tips on how to heal one’s self or when to seek professional advice.
Asking for help is really hard, as we in western society have been taught we should “lift ourselves up by our bootstraps” and overcome obstacles on our own. This is, upon reflection, completely ridiculous. What we need more of is an understanding that we come to learning and understanding as a community - we ask for help, we work together to find a remedy or a solution or an answer, and then we all share it. It is in this spirit I share Blindboy’s podcast episode on anger not just with anyone reading this, but specifically with those who have seen the rage in me and said something must be done, though they could not tell me what needed doing. Hopefully, the next time you begin to see that seething, foaming, horrendousness roiling within someone else you love, you can share this information with them. And the beat goes on.