To whom it may concern,
When you come looking for me, I will likely be in the shower. I love a very hot shower so the bathroom fan will be on too loud for me to hear you call. I will also be singing loudly and way off-key, so even if the fan was off, I’d never hear you. Just slip a piece of paper under the door to let me know you’re waiting.
When you come looking for me, you can wait wherever you’re comfortable. Just try and keep the records in alphabetical order and know that the books aren’t in any order except that the ones I haven’t read yet are towards the bottom shelves. There may be a dog. (I hope there is when you get here.) I will probably sit on the floor; you don’t have to if you don’t want to but it’s where I prefer to sit and watch the world go by.
When you come looking for me, I will be writing to someone I love. You will not be the first person I love and you will not be the last. I am constantly working to ensure that the people I love know that I love them. I will be quiet when I’m letter-writing. One day when I’m on the phone, I will cover the mouthpiece to tell you if I want a cup of tea or to ask what that thing was that we watched the other night. When we’re in a store and I see something I have to get because it reminds me of someone I love, know there will be many times that I will do the same thing except the person I’m thinking of will be you.
When you come looking for me, know that I am still learning how to listen the way you need me to listen. I love to speak but I am trying to learn to be silent. I am making space. I am getting ready to value your input and find a way to blend our tastes. When I want to be alone, you can remind me how much I spent on studio headphones and how alone I can be without leaving the room. And then you can also remind me that it’s too loud and I’m absolutely going to have no hearing in 20 years.
When you come looking for me, please be kind. Be kind and thoughtful with people because we don’t know enough about anyone to see all that they have gone through or are still going through. Please be patient. Please be passionate. Please have opinions but be open to having your mind changed. Please remember the universe is not out to get you. Please remember that bad things happen to good people sometimes. I was alive for my whole life before you came along, and I am coming to terms with all of the life of yours I missed out on, too.
When you come looking for me, stand behind me and speak softly into my ear. Keep in mind that as you fall in love with my body that I am still working on that, myself. You cannot undo decades of the whole world telling me how I should feel about myself in a single moment - maybe not even in the decades to come. But know that it’s there, like the pins and needles feeling you get when your foot falls asleep on an airplane, and know that I’m trying to wake it back up.
When you come looking for me, don’t ask me where I have been. I have been becoming a whole person. I have been falling down and standing back up. I have learned and forgotten many other people’s dance steps. I have remembered all of the lyrics to all of the songs I don’t play anymore. I have been taking hot showers and singing at the top of my lungs.
I’ll be out soon.
With love,
J.